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Opmod
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« on: September 17, 2007, 03:37:51 PM » |
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Ok, so here is the deal.
I have not seen my father since I was 3 years old. My older brother and sister have patched things up with him and are on good terms, go to see him every year for the family reunion,,,blah blah blah.
But they are 5 and 6 years older than me and had memories of him from before my mom and he divorced. To me, he is just the man who could not be bothered to pay 99.00 per month in child support. ON THREE KIDS!!!!
However, he has expressed to my sister and brother both that he REALLY wants to see me as well. Not that he has made any EFFORT to do so. AND there is a part of me that realizes that seeing him would be for him and not me. But when I search my heart all I find is bitterness. The bitterness of a child who never got to go to father/son outings. Never got to play catch in the back yard,. Who watched him mom scrape and skimp and do without because she was raising us alone.
SO I ask,,,do I see him or not? The family reunion is in January and I am agonizing over whether I should just show up.
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14-years-old-jane
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« Reply #1 on: September 17, 2007, 04:05:35 PM » |
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i cannot understand your anger since i've never been to such situation but i guess it's normal for you to have that inner grudge ,,, think of situation when your father won't be alive whereas you will regret that you never came to this union or forgave him before he passed away ,,,
i don't think it would be healthy experience to pass though,,, at the end of the day noone asks from you to have best father-son relationship but just reunion,,,
think about yourself and your own nerve system,,, my advice has nothing to do with all that "being a good person or forgiving everyone like a Jesus",,, it's about your nerve system,,, that's all
again both of my parent alive and married for many years so i don't know for sure but i can "interpolate" that,,,
sorry if i'm too straight with you ,,,
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Rachel
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« Reply #2 on: September 17, 2007, 04:10:45 PM » |
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Opmod..go to your father.
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Cabrini Green
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« Reply #3 on: September 17, 2007, 05:01:48 PM » |
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As someone who grew up in the same situation I would say go see him if he really wants to see you. If my dad wanted to see me I would probably visit him. I would probably kick his ass though, then make up with him. Maybe.
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targo88
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« Reply #4 on: September 17, 2007, 05:05:58 PM » |
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I would go. I don't know how old you are but I haven't seen my father in 27yrs and well I would almost give anything to meet him. Not to call him dad or father I don't need that in my life I have an amazing dad. But just so I could know who he is and so he could know me. Like your 'dad' mine also didn't pay child support but well I haven't saught him out and I think if he wanted to he could have found me. I am bitter in one breath but when I look at all the factors I could be just as bitter towards my mom and I am not. Life is too short to let it hinder on your past, all we have is the future and we should be able to move on.
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bringbackwigs
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« Reply #5 on: September 17, 2007, 05:07:47 PM » |
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I'm quite younger, but I had a similiar situation. I saw him, made up with him, and now we're cool. I never see him very much because of his wife, but I don't hold any grudges anymore.
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Ahkenaten
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« Reply #6 on: September 17, 2007, 06:08:24 PM » |
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But they are 5 and 6 years older than me and had memories of him from before my mom and he divorced. To me, he is just the man who could not be bothered to pay 99.00 per month in child support. ON THREE KIDS!!!!
However, he has expressed to my sister and brother both that he REALLY wants to see me as well. Not that he has made any EFFORT to do so. AND there is a part of me that realizes that seeing him would be for him and not me. But when I search my heart all I find is bitterness. The bitterness of a child who never got to go to father/son outings. Never got to play catch in the back yard,. Who watched him mom scrape and skimp and do without because she was raising us alone. My advice would be to consider three things: 1. Believe it or not, there are worse Dads than the one that wasn't around. 2. You need to be frank with yourself about how difficult it may have been to see you. Did he have easy access? It is a hard thing to perhaps consider that your mother may not have made it easy, or, the failure of the relationship itself made it so. This may not apply, but consider this: you have nothing to lose by meeting him, yet see how difficult it is? You maybe think you're trying to make a statement but the truth is underneath you're afraid to confront him because of how painful it is. Consider this feeling may be mutual. 3. Is the core of your pain not a product of the not knowing? Of not understanding why? How will that be resolved? Better to find out if he's an A-hole and you were better off without...if that isn't the case, then why wait another moment? You're young, you may have a lot of time to show him how hurt you were by refusing to see him....before finally deciding to do it later, he may not. Don't sit there at his funeral wishing you met him. You got do it Op. You got to face these things or they will make you run forever. Hope that helps. Ahk |
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« Last Edit: September 17, 2007, 06:15:35 PM by Ahkenaten »
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Delta Nine
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« Reply #7 on: September 17, 2007, 07:22:18 PM » |
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Hell no, don't see him.
He's just another human being. He happens to be your biological dad but thats it. Obviously he's a scum bag; what kind of dick wad abandons his own kid? Not the kind of guy I want to get to know.
I'd write him a letter and tell him you're looking forward to his death so you can go piss on his grave.
This SOB had his chance. He had years. He could have paid 10 dollars a months child support. Anything is better than nothing.
I'd tell your older siblings to wake the hell up. What the hell are they doing talking to a guy that abandoned his own son? That is unforgivable. Their loyalty should be towards you, not some worthless piece of horse shit.
Any time you're thinking of investing with Mr. Scum should be invested in your mom/family/friends. I know plenty of great people that I'd like to be better friends with, I just don't have enough time to invest. I sure as hell don't have the time for some dirt bag that abandoned his own kid.
Your selfish SOB dad is trying to deal with the guilt he has from abandoning you. He doesn't care about you, he cares about him. Don't get sucked into some lame ass guilt trip. There should be no second chances. He blew it, not you. Spit in his face if he ever comes near you.
The only thing he did was sleep with your mom. He's not your "dad". He's some guy that slept with your mom. Remember that. Ask yourself why you would want to spend time with a scum bag just because he got your mom pregnant.
If you can't resist seeing him, than at least try to use him. Take all the money from him that you can. He owes you 10,000's of dollars. Its time that he pays up. Back child support plus interest. Don't let him just walk away from that debt. Tell him he can go on a new payment plan starting now. If he has a car tell him to sell it and take the bus. Lets see how much this SOB wants to be your dad. Work his ass to the bone and then walk away with as much money as you can get. If he gets mad just tell him it was a "mistake".
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neorealist
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« Reply #8 on: September 17, 2007, 08:20:16 PM » |
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damn D9...some misdirected anger?
I've been in a similar situation (notice only americans are making statements like that) Going to see him is about you...its about him.
He is the one that wants to see you more than you want to see him...so ask your self this:
Do you feel compassionate towards him or not? If not, blow it off...if yes then go over there and treat him like a man (not necessarily a loved one) Hell if you are compassionate towards him, give him an open invitation to come see you at your place of choice.
I wouldn't make the extra effort though, its not like he did in the past. No reason to be overly bitter but no reason to be all super forgiving...thats just my personality though.
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Biker Dude
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« Reply #9 on: September 17, 2007, 08:28:23 PM » |
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Not that what a bunch of people you have never met other than on the internet could really say anything about your situation, but I would go along with what Ahk said.
That and I would simply be afraid that if you don't see him at some point, and something happens to him, you have lost your chance. The meeting might not go perfect, but you will have put forth your best effort.
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illhumanoddity
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« Reply #10 on: September 17, 2007, 11:19:16 PM » |
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I wouldn't make the extra effort though, its not like he did in the past. No reason to be overly bitter but no reason to be all super forgiving...thats just my personality though. I agree with this here. Chances are that underneath it all, he's not as bad of a guy as you imagined him in his absence. Likewise, I think you shouldn't have any expectations that a reunion would have some deeply satisfying effect. From the fact that you posted about it, I get the impression that you do want to see him. If you didn't, you have a perfectly legitimate reason to justify to yourself not even caring, and I doubt it would be weighing on you. This is what it comes down to, what you want to do. You shouldn't catch up with him out of a feeling of family obligation, but I don't get the impression that thats the case. My advice is to go see him, but that's because it sounds to me like that's what you want. |
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« Last Edit: September 18, 2007, 02:45:15 PM by illhumanoddity »
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Major Zee Lee
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« Reply #11 on: September 18, 2007, 02:50:51 AM » |
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That's one tough thing to advice. I feel that simpler advices are best. The only thing worst than regret what you did, is to regret what you didn't did. It's better to cry over what it was than over what it wasn't. I could never say goodbye to any of my 4 grandparents before they died -they all died sudden deaths. And hell how I miss those farewells, to have known it was the last time.  Chances are that you will repent to not have met him while you could because even without him in your life he still is in your mind. In addition to being opmoderate (the precious unique individual) you're human and you're tuned to things like try and meet your father for the real first time and to suffer if that never happens. In my extremely humble opinion, that's it. |
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gomper7
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« Reply #12 on: September 18, 2007, 03:54:33 AM » |
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Op,
This sounds like a tough situation, I certainly don't envy you.
Personally, I have to agree with Ahk, I think you should go. And you are correct, he wants to see you and likely try to build some form of relationship not for you, but for himself. That is just human nature though, most of our dealing with relations are for our own peace of mind, even when we do not realize it. The question is, What will it cost you? If the price is not high to yourself, then what does it matter what he gains? You can afford to be gracious.
And perhaps what it may cost you is your bitterness towards him. If that is the case, you MUST go, because that is something you definitely want to be rid off. The funny thing about bitterness, it ALWAYS is an emotional anchor and does harm to the one harboring it, and rarely has a negative impact on the one to whom it is directed. If there is a chance to be done with it, take it.
And, frankly, the best argument for going has already been made. Delta nine said you should not. Delta nine, at least as the persona presented on this board, has consistently been the closest thing to a flawless barometer of what NOT to do as a decent human being that I have ever encountered.
Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of results.
-g
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Opmod
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« Reply #13 on: September 18, 2007, 04:53:24 AM » |
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Thanks folks, good advice all around.
I have not made a decision yet but I figure I will go. If only so that I do not have any regrets later.
I will know what is and will not have to think about what could have been
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\\\"Something witty\\\" Some self impotant blowhard
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2112
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« Reply #14 on: September 18, 2007, 06:24:47 AM » |
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I would not go, because it would be like rewarding him for all of the years he didn't support you. Every child needs a roof over their head, food, clothes, etc, and the fact that he didn't do the one thing a parent is supposed to do, protect his children (by giving money to see that all of their needs are met), means I wouldn't go see him. It might even make you feel worse to see someone who looks like you and yet has had no relationship with you. Supposed love from a distance is not enough.
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