Maybe it's just my family... or maybe it's more common than I think... but how in the hell can people who grow up in the same place with the same family and the same issues POSSIBLY grow up to be so utterly different? And I'm not talking about likes and dislikes or their choice of career. I'm talking about things that SHOULD be common sense... but aren't.

It starts a while back when my dad won a big court case. The settlement we got was split up and put into long term CDs which have been maturing for the last 15 years. The idea was that we would go to college with this money. And even if we didn't go to college, it would be used as start up money for a car or a house while we pursued a career.

My sister is 5 years older than I am and manages to infuriate the entire family with her poor decision making ability. First of all, she didn't go to college, which really isn't that big of a deal because my aunt didn't go and she's doing quite well working as a manager for HR at Astra-Zeneca.

But as soon as she could she started spending her CDs. She basically didn't work for 5 years, living off the money that had been saved and buying shit she didn't need. She went through several different boy friends until about 3 years ago when she discovered she was pregnant pregnant. She was 23. My niece was born 2 years ago this month.

Ever since then they've been living on almost nothing. My sister finally decided to get a job but her idiot boyfriend (the father) only works about 6 months out of the year at a landscaping buisness... AND MY SISTER DOESN'T CARE! We hound her to hound him to get a job in the interim to provide for his family... but she's content to work 5 days a week so he can sit on his lazy ass and do nothing.

She says he's doing things but he can't drive (though we don't know why) and we don't see them enough to verify these things.

As if this wasn't bad enough... it gets worse.

She went to the hospital around Easter complaining about back problems. Low and behold, not only was she pregnant... BUT SHE WAS IN LABOR! My nephew was born April 1st.

We thought it was a joke. I mean, how do you not know you're pregnant? Fat people don't know they're pregnant, and while my sister isn't skinney, she isn't obese. So either she really didn't know she was pregnant (which is bad)... or she wanted to become pregnant (which is worse).

My mom commented that ALL parents want their children to have a better life than they did, but my sister, it seems, does not. She was absolutely right. They live in a hovle that didn't even have consistant electricity for almost a year. They couldn't drive their lemon of a car because she couldn't scrape together enough money to pay for the broken windshield. And they're OK with accepting food stamps and welfare.

For the last few months we've all been saying out of the sides of our mouths, "she's looking pregnant" and then laughing away the concept. I mean, how could anyone be stupid enough to have a child given the economic situation they're in?

Well... now we've simply lost our nerve. My sister is insane and she either is too afraid to admit reality or is too dumb to see it.

I love my sister and I love my niece and I love my nephew and I worry about them all the time... but they're is nothing I can give. My money is my parents' money and we've given all we can. She just wastes it. I mean, I'm no darling myself, but I'm going to college and I have a clear direction of where I want to go... so how can my sister, my own blood, just 5 years my senior, diverge so dramatically? How does this happen?

Basically, what I'm asking is if anyone has similar stories and how things turned out... cause all I see is gloom.

Sorry to hear about that Abraxas  It is a really heartbreaking story, mainly because she is your sister but also because the children are not going to grow up in the best economic surroundings.

It can be hard when you love people and want the best for them, but they seem to self destruct through poor decision making and poor life choices. Ultimately though, even though it is extremely hard for you, there is nothing much you can really do. Every person leads the life they choose and even though it may be a poor one, it is ultimately their choice. I don't really see any alternative. You cannot force her to see reason and common sense.

I guess you can just sit back and hope that she comes to her senses sooner rather than later and makes intelligent life choices and takes intelligent paths.

As an only child though I cannot give first hand advice in dealing with siblings 

Well I' m more or less the "older" brother. There are some issues with my (older) nieces/cousins who manage to manipulate some minor things with my grandmother (while not having seen her for almost a year), who prefer working on holidays to spending a little time with their family.

Even then I wouldn't care, if they would just come on another day.

Then again, my issues seem like peanuts in comparison with your issues with your sister.

Yeah... my sister, highly intelligent, passed all exams top of her year for every single subject.  She wanted to be a nurse, for some reason and did become one.  Then my dad died, few years later my mother.  That is when she changed.  We were left enough money for me to clear my mortgage, buy a Landrover, 2 holidays and bank the rest.  Brother did more or less the same.  The sister...sigh...Both brother and I were back at work two weeks after my mother died.  My sister did have a heavier load there, because she was a nurse and we cared for my mother at home throughout that illness, so she lived at home and took more of that on.  But she did not return to work. 
She lived for 2 years on the money.  Then she looked for work.  Her fiance has never worked, his family at some time in their history were old money and they do not expect him ever to work.  Very good, but he lives off the state instead.  Claims benefit, buys and sells things like some market trader, gambles...he does manage pretty well financially but will do things to get it which anyone with self-respect just would not consider. 
So my sister now has run through the money and is living in a big old house which needs maintenance and this guy cannot possibly support her.
My brother is a successful businessman and cannot be in the same room as this guy because he hates how he lives.  The family has been completely wrecked by this, I am in the middle but if I socialise with one, the other is angry with me and vice versa.
However...after years of banging my head against a brick wall telling my sister what this guy is and how she should ditch him and go back with the guy before who is still mad for her and makes a decent living and is a decent guy...I realise that my sister is happy with her man and she is happy with her life.  She would like more money, but they find what they need.  I do not like how he affects her, but she does. 
End of the day, it is her business and not mine. 
Now I accept how he is.  I play it smart.  Because if you do what my brother did and call him on it, my sister takes her man's part and you simply do not see her because of that.  So I accept this guy and am nice to him and it is not entirely a lie, because when you really try you can see good in everyone and although it is still pretty hard work for me, I am getting used to him.
Above all, I get to see my sister.  So whenever I see her needing something, like a jacket, and know she is unable to afford to buy one, I suddenly find I bought one which doesn't suit me because it's too short and rather than take it back to the shop I just give it to her...  Same with anything else she needs.
My brother does not ascribe to this, he thinks it encourages that guy not to work.  But it's just realism. The guy is a waste of air.  He will never work.  But she loves him and he is what we have to work around and I love her, so that's it.  I do what I can.

I used to think that way Jeri...but she is happy as she is.  Sometimes is hard to accept that what is right in your eyes does not suit everyone.

Anyway, just got back from a party at her fiance's house.  She got a 20% pay rise today    taking her up to a liveable wage.  It should be him who is earning it, but I guess plenty women work and that is better than before, so...

My family have always had a pretty good standard of living and so on.   Probably he would like to, but no one cares what he thinks...

Bottom line is, he is not what we would choose for her.  But who ever is?  All right, he is worse than many...lol...but there are still worse than him and he is what we've got.  So you can work around it, or you can lose your sister and let her suffer and never be able to cushion that for her. 

It's not about him, he's nothing to me.  It's about her.  And I am not going to lose contact with her, because he is an idiot.  So when he starts with the b/s and baiting routine, due to his basic insecurity, I start working...smile, agree, encourage him to talk and do the interpersonal skills thing I trained in at work, deliberately charm him to death and whatever bad thing he says, I redirect for all I'm worth.  He has actually stopped doing it now. 

 

Yeah, you can break your heart over it.  I did for a couple of years, at Christmas and such.  Threw a wobbler, burst into tears on Christmas Eve because of their...intransigence! And that is pretty shocking to them because I rarely do any severing of ties, but I did threaten it that one time to try to bring them to their senses.  Well it was upsetting me that we could not be together any more at family times and they did all turn up that year, but it is just purgatory. 

Harder for a man, Abraxas.  I don't like it but can work with it.  My brother cannot go that far, he is afraid to be in the same room with the guy in case he loses it and sticks one on him.  Especially at things like weddings as we have one coming up in May, alcohol will come into it and it's harder to keep the lid on, but I guess one or other of them will not attend...I am done trying to persuade them, it's up to them.  I see them both and that seems to be all I can hope for.