Dude is funny as hell.

An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having.

I bought a donut and the guy gave me a recieipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for the donut, I give you the money, you give me the donut, end of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I can not imagine the senerio where I would have to prove that I bought a donut. Some skeptical friend.  Don't even act like I didn't get that donut. I got the documentation right here.

I like refried beans. I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

I went home one night put the key in the lock and turned it, and the house started.


so I drove out and parked it on the interstate. It was fun standing on my front porch telling everyone to 'get outta my driveway'.

I think they could take sesame seeds out of the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine thinking ten years from now "Damn! Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank."

How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's fuckin' magical. There's got to be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on one side. Take sesame seed out, remove the backing, place on bun. Your bun will look spectacular.

What does a sesame seed grow in to? I dunno, we never give 'em a chance! What the fuck is a sesame?! ....It's a street! It's a way to open shit!